I’m feeling a strong sense of guilt and, well, almost failure at the moment. I’m not being conceited when I say that this feeling is unusual for me; I never generally examine my feelings – preferring to ‘just get on and do it’ – it’s a bit of a shock.
My head isn’t as sharp as normal ATM. I find myself sitting quietly, staring out of the window and preferring to listen to Classic FM, and as glancing at my laptop gave me anxiety and slight palpitations, I became a bit worried.
In an effort to sort myself out, I told a friend about this feeling on the phone last night, and she simply said, ‘ you’re feeling a bit overwhelmed, that’s all’.
Overwhelmed…me! You must be having a laugh! Me? – the cast iron Matriarch, solver of all problems!
The first one in with the rubber gloves or sink plunger – I have been known to succeed where Dyno-Rod was the only next possible option! I am the one in my family whose car looks like a battle bus from ferrying everyone else – dogs, furniture, bags of ‘ stuff’ destined for the charity shop, how can anything overwhelm me!?
As I type this though, I think she might have a point. There is a lot (thankfully lovely things) going on in my life, and the lives of all those people I love at the moment, but even dealing with lovely things takes energy.
Fear of getting it wrong, wrongly advising those who I’m set myself up to mentor. Not being at the end of the phone when I’m needed – or stepping away from what’s expected of me.
I guess at the end of the day I have to raise the white flag and concede defeat – if it is indeed that, accepting the fact that I maybe cannot achieve all that I set up for myself, and to cut myself some slack for that.
Guilt at feeling weary. Feeling I’m failing because the ‘ to do’ list is growing and I don’t have the will to do battle with all the draining jobs on it – GUILT – at simply feeling tired – well how daft is that?
So today, as I finish typing this I’m going to actually DO the stretching exercise I’ve just been shown by the wonderful new masseur who has mysteriously been introduced into my life ( so funny when things like that happen just when you need it ).
I’m going to eat a proper breakfast, before taking Ted for a proper walk. I’m going to allow myself a little bit of classical music without feeling the guilt that I must keep abreast of what’s current. I’ve put the phone on silent and will only check it when I remember – and I will lie for an hour in the bath, with all those lovely products that I’ve been gifted – but always seem to save for best!
Guilt is a killer, one we all suffer from – although some of us are in denial. We set our sights so high and, as everything we watch or read or listen to is geared around success – slimness, fitness, beauty – how are we ever going to be able to achieve such perfection? It’s not realistic, and neither is the shame we heap on ourselves for not being ‘that’ heroic woman who seems to make having it all look easy.
It’s not realistic, and neither is the shame we heap on ourselves for not being ‘that’ heroic woman who seems to make having it all look easy.
I’m sorry for rabbiting on ( guilt! ) but rather than some jovial piece, this week I thought I’d share with you the other side of my life in the hope that if it happens to you you’ll realize its normal and temporary. The sooner you recognize it for what it is, the sooner you’ll put your feet up and understand that ‘Superwoman’ – is fictional, whilst being kind to yourself? Well, that’s a fundamental human need, that you should never feel guilty for.
It was last year when the idea of a site for other women like me dawned – active, busy and ambitious women who just happen to be older.
Firstly it was going to be just fashion, but very quickly I realised that if I were going to write anything – then it would have to have more meaning than just that.
I decided to incorporate lifestyle and wellbeing and make the whole thing truly interactive and inclusive. I felt that with these issues covered, then there really was no end to what could be discussed and discovered – and who may benefit as a result.